I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that in a few days I'll be in Kenya for the third time in less than seven months. Things like traveling to Africa are supposed to be "once in a lifetime," yet I am continually blessed by God to do things that most people only dream about. I am so full of thanks and praise for what He has given me!

Kenya has been, is and will always be an adventure and a place that is very heavily on my heart. Through Kenya, the Lord completely and totally transformed my life! God revealed to me community, friendship, respect, forgiveness and acceptance in the body of Christ. I fell more deeply in love with Him every time I saw the beauty of His creation in this broken country.

Going back to Kenya feels like the natural progression of my life. As soon as the opportunity to return was brought to my attention, I wondered how I could have ever thought I would be doing anything other than that at this time. Nothing else made sense anymore. All I could imagine was being back in Africa.

I love how much Jesus has taught me in the past seven months and I am so incredibly excited to find out what He has planned for me in the next six weeks.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Isn't our Lord amazing?

Glory.

I know people, quite a few people actually, who's entire lives must be known to as many people as they can possibly tell for them to feel worthy. They feel important and loved when and only when others tell them that they are important and loved. In order to get that feedback they first need to share with others all that they are doing, all that they have accomplished and exactly how they feel about everything and anything that is going on in their lives.

People like this exhaust me.

Forgive my honesty, but I have a difficult time listening to people who insist on telling me how wonderful they are all the time! I listen to them but rarely ever do I respond to their unspoken pleading for affirmation. I would be lying to them.

I've thought about this a lot recently, trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. I came to understand that when people who do not know Christ act this way, they are usually trying to feel the love that only Jesus can provide in meaningless relationships, awards, grades, promotions, etc. In that case, I know I need to do my part and love them the best that I can and hope to show them even a fraction of the amount of love that He can give.

But when believers act this way, it hits a different nerve.

The habit of self-glorification takes away from the One who rightfully deserves the glory. When people brag about themselves and all that they have done in the church, ministry, mission field or any other place in the Kingdom, where can God show Himself? Who are you really working for? You should be serving Jesus not your ego.

I know someone who did something incredible that benefited hundreds of people, gave hope to suffering children and quite possibly changed lives. When I talked to them about it, they confidently told me "This isn't my project. It's God's." What an awesome understanding of God's glory! More people need to realize how important it is to give the honor to it's rightful owner. I LOVE listening to people talk about what God has done in their lives! I could listen to stories of God's grace, mercy and miracles all day and never get tired of it because they are telling me the incredible works of my Father, best friend and Savior.

I am constantly reminding myself that nothing is accomplished apart from God. Even the smallest of things, such as not being charged anything to have my computer fixed by the Geek Squad at BestBuy, happen because of Him. Of course there are bigger things that He has accomplished in my life but I enjoy finding Him in the small things. It shows me how much He cares which makes me love Him that much more. He knew that I didn't have $70-$200 to spend but also that I needed my computer to function so He brings me to probably the one guy in the whole Geek Squad that would ignore the charges and do everything for free. Never doubt that God is in the small stuff! But especially for the big things, give our God the glory that He alone deserves!

"When you value God for who He is, it causes a response in Him; It releases Him to be all that He is to you."

2009

Without a doubt, 2009 was the craziest year of my life.

I started the year in New York. Freezing. Overwhelmed. Sick with strep throat and struggling with feelings about a relationship. A bar in Brooklyn, surrounded by outrageously drunk 20-somethings and few overweight, balding middle aged men is where I rung in the new year. The night consisted of a kiss a midnight, an hour or two spent standing alone in the corner, a questionable taxi driver and an air mattress in an empty room with no heat. I'm not making it sound very fun but all in all I guess it wasn't so bad. I spent time with people I cared about and experienced New Years Eve in New York City (something you'd probably have to pay me to do again).

My fourth, and what would end up being my last, semester at Kutztown University began in the middle of January. Other things began as well... A relationship. A bad habit that progressively got worse. And an unfortunate total and complete inability to hold on to any part of who I was in Christ.

I knew it, too. I knew there were only fragments of my old self left in the new, out of control version of me. I was making decisions based solely on what I wanted at that very moment. Sometimes, it felt like I had no part in the decisions at all and someone else was making them for me. I allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, abused and used. And in return, I manipulated, controlled, abused and used others. I was the source of more than one person's pain. The worst part was, I was not learning from my mistakes and I continued to repeat them.

To be completely honest, I was a very selfish and downright cruel person for the first few months of this year.

I never meant to hurt anyone. Deep down I knew I was still a kind, loving, caring person. But I was so far gone at this point that I barely even cared. I was no longer convicted by my actions. I had completely turned from Jesus. But still, through it all, God saved my life. He protected me from terrible things that should have happened to me and I thank Him every day for that. Also, I thank Him for doing what it took to turn me back to Him. Extreme as it was, it was what I needed.

As I write this now, I wonder what people are thinking. Do you think I'm exaggerating? That I probably wasn't that bad? Everyone makes mistakes, right? Are people questioning how sincere my return to Jesus is? Maybe I'm just on a quick "spiritual high" because I went to Africa and held orphans?

Then I remember... I truly don't care if people doubt the sincerity of my love for Jesus. I know it's real. God knows it's real. What else really matters?

I went from being the absolute worst version of myself to the best in one year. I was empty and now I'm filled. Lost and now found. Darkness and now light. I've been transformed. Most of you won't understand that because you either did not know me then or you do not know me now, but that's okay. God saw it all. He knows me and my past and still loves me completely and what more can I ask for?

One thing is for sure... I am very much looking forward to starting off 2010 the right way!

Happy New Year, everyone! :)


"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17

God is good. God is great.

I will never claim to understand God. His ways are so above my own that I can't even begin to comprehend how He plans the paths of my life. But thankfully, I don't have to understand Him. I just have to trust Him. That, I can do. I'd be a fool not to trust God after all that He has shown me He is capable of doing. And now it's time to add one more miracle to that list.

God is bringing me back to Kenya. Again.

I came home at the beginning of this month, excited and ready to start fulfilling my goals of leading a new life in Christ. It took me about two weeks to realize that something was wrong. Nothing was connecting with me. I wasn't feeling led to pursue anything and I was getting frustrated with God. I wanted to start a new life so why weren't any doors opening? I was not at peace and I knew there was something that needed to happen. I just had no idea what it could be or where to even start looking. I begged God to show me and lead me onto the path that He wanted me on. At this point, I would have walked across the country in a prom dress if that's what I felt God wanted me to do. I was desperate for guidance.


That's when I went out to breakfast with Faith Ecenroad. Faith took me on my first trip to Kenya back in July. She was supposed to come to Kenya in November but wasn't able to because of health issues. We had been looking forward to spending some more time together in Kenya and when it didn't work out, we were both pretty bummed. And then she asked me the question that answered all my prayers. "Would you want to come back to Kenya with me?"


I can't explain the feeling that washed over me at the moment. Something like relief mixed with pure joy and a dash of shock. I couldn't believe that I was going back to Africa! Because I was. There wasn't a doubt in my head that this would work out. That's how strong the peace was that came over me. I brought it up to my parents later that day. Though I didn't expect them to say no, I wasn't expecting such a huge yes either. They were thrilled and gave me their blessing.

So on January 27th, I'll be on a plane to Nairobi. This time, my main priority is to be discipled and mentored by Faith. Along with that, I'll be spending most of my time working with the Shimo girls and the Neema girls.


This will be my third trip to Kenya. Each time I'm there it seems as though God has a different plan. In July, I made a full commitment to Jesus and for the first time in years began walking with Him again. The second time, I was healed and restored through my forgiveness of the ones who had hurt me. I was introduced to the church as the body of Christ, not a building and I was shown what my life as a true, Spirit filled believer would look like. This time, I believe that God will begin to direct my steps towards what my mission is in the church. How I can use the abilities that God gave me to benefit the body. With Faith as my mentor I'll be learning not only how to give presentations about Transformed International and spreading awareness, but also how to live my life with confidence in Jesus Christ and in His plans for me.


I have no doubt that this trip will complete the plans that God has for me in Kenya and I can't wait to see what He is going to do in the six weeks that I'm there.


So again, I don't understand God. I probably never will but truthfully, I don't think we're supposed to. He's God! As soon as you understand something, it becomes less amazing, less beautiful, less incredible. We will constantly be driven to know God more because we will never know everything about Him! We will never fully understand God, but He's the God of LOVE, not the God of knowledge. I love my Jesus and that's all I need to know!


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! :)


"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16

Back at home.

I've tried to start this blog at least ten times. I don't know how to best express what's going on in my head right now. Leaving Kenya wasn't easy. On Sunday morning I had to say goodbye to people who have helped shape me, kittens who have annoyed me for the past few weeks but secretly I really liked them, a house that I helped redecorate and turn into something that doesn't resemble a warehouse anymore and the compound that had been my home for three months. On the bus ride from Kitale and Nairobi, I had to look out at the mountains, the clouds and the scenery and soak it all in knowing that it would be the last time I'd see such beauty. On Monday night I had to say goodbye to the only guys I've ever fully trusted, the only city that I actually enjoyed being in, and the country that I had grown to love. The taxi ride from the hotel in Nairobi to the airport was emotional, to say the least. After saying goodbye to Nate and Scott, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer... I cried more than I have in a very very long time. On Tuesday morning, I had to leave the girls that had turned into my best friends. So many goodbyes in only three days was draining. I was exhausted by the time I got on the plane to fly to Philadelphia.

And I'm still exhausted. I blame jet lag but in truth I think I'm tiring myself out trying to fit back into my life here. I'm different. Home isn't different. It's like trying to shove a square into a circle. I just don't fit anymore. Cliche, but true. Already I've received phone calls from people I thought were far into my past, seen things that caused me to cringe and been in places that made my heart hurt. Even something a small as talking with a friend is difficult. When the conversation isn't centered around Christ, I feel my Spirit clawing inside me. I miss being in a community where Jesus is the head of the body. I thank God for my family. Without that foundation I'm not sure how I would survive as this new creation in my old stomping grounds of sin.

I need to learn how to shape my life here at home so that it fits with who I became in Africa.


I enjoy being home, truly. It's not like I came back to a nightmare. It's just that Kenya was a dream and now I'm back in reality.

"As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." 1 Peter 1:14


Everyone in Kitale, Reno, Florida and Canada - I miss and love you all! <3

Community.

As my time in Kenya is coming to an end I’ve found myself looking back at the past three months and really analyzing all that I have learned here. At times, it feels as though my life didn’t start until I stepped off the plane after landing in Nairobi. All that I am is who I became here in Africa. The person I was before coming here is a complete stranger to me now. The funniest is that most of what I learned did not come from being in Kenya. It came from being in a community. From being surrounded by a group of people who love God with everything they have, people who really care about each other and desire to build up the body of Christ. That was what I needed more than anything. That was what my soul was craving. These people have changed my life more than anything in Africa ever could. I don’t want it to sound as though being in Kenya hasn’t been an incredible experience because it has... But God definitely knew what He was doing when He chose the people I would spend my time here with.